I read somewhere that where there was love, there is a winner, and there is a loser. Now forgive my horrible paraphrasing and story re-telling skills, but basically the idea was that there are several people who come and go in your life. There is more than one person you could potentially fall in love with; more than one person you are compatible with. But only one of these people define for you what love means, and sets up your expectations for all you look for in future relationships. They change your life, your goals, your outlook. That person… well, that person wins and you lose. Suffice to say, I’ve lost in that game.
I’ve kind of beat around the bushes on whether or not I should make this post public (mainly because it’s embarrassing), but now that things are the way they are, I thought it’d be nice (and kind of therapeutic) to share my experience with anyone else who might be going through the same thing.
Last night I had to bid final farewell to someone who came to be very important to me over the past few months. This was someone with whom originally was supposed to be just a summer fling, as he was only here on a 1-year visa. We both knew going into it that he was going to have to go back home, and because of that we never defined what would happen when he had to get on that plane. What harm could a summer fling be anyway? Well, when the unexpected happens and you accidentally fall in love, that’s when you start to tread dangerous waters. The first time he said those three words and I realized I felt the same way, I knew I had already started drowning. It was too late to swim back to shore. The tides just kept sweeping me deeper and deeper into the middle of the sea. That summer fling turned into nearly half a year of a serious relationship.
For 21 years I had trained myself to only need me. Even though I had been in relationships before, I had never been able to picture a future with them. There were always things I wanted to do for myself. Then suddenly this person came crashing into my life and destroyed those walls. Even though I am and always will be a “take-it-as-it-comes” gal, I found myself wanting our relationship to go somewhere in the long-run; that the purpose of our dating was to find out if we had a chance at making ‘forever’, not just ‘enjoy it while we can’. I thought about moving countries, which I knew would’ve been difficult, but I thought it would have been worth it, even for that 1% chance of having it work out. Sometimes I couldn’t help but feel abandoned and maybe even a little used. Here I was, ready to take a risk, and there he was always ready to return to a life he once knew… somewhere I was never really in the picture, even in his dreams. Sometimes I would question if he really loved me, or maybe he just didn’t love me enough.
Deep down I know we really loved each other, and that perhaps if we had met under different circumstances, things might have gone another path. It’ll be one of the hardest things I’ll have to do to get over this, but I’m also not one to pathetically pine for things once they are gone. I’m glad to say that I’ve had absolutely no regrets going forward with what we had. Now I just wish the best for both of us, because sometimes mature love means letting the other go and finding separate happiness.
I’m not really sure where I’ll go from here. I thought about moving to a different province, but the most important thing is to finish school. I’m so close. A few weeks ago when I was actually looking into moving countries, I had made inquiries about working over in the EU. I was about to reply back saying that I changed my mind, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe it won’t be such a bad idea to go anyway, even by myself. It’ll be an adventure to take while I’m young and a fancy addition to my resume. I don’t necessarily have anything holding me down here, and anyway, things have a way of working out, even if they aren’t for what you originally planned.