Winter vacation is officially over. Just like that. I had a spectacular time at home, and quite frankly, hadn’t gotten enough of home before I had to pack up and take the 7 hour bus ride back to college. I usually don’t write about personal feelings publicly, but this time I’m really wondering if anyone else has gone (or is going through) the same winter blues.
Homesickness seems to have hit hard this time around, and I’m experiencing it way later than everyone else appears to have. I came to Toronto almost two years ago now, and back then – while my new-found friends were having trouble coping with being away from home, I settled into the big city perfectly.
My hometown is small without many opportunities at the moment (well, outside of factories and farming anyways), and after 18 years of being stuck at home with just my parents and a cat, I was ready to leave. Being in the city presented itself well – I found a job in less than two weeks, and although the first college I attended wasn’t particularly up to expectations, I met some great people.
Now that two years have passed, I can’t help but admire how my “true” friends are all still in the comfort of their own homes. I made the decision two years to leave town in pursuit of a better life, but I had imagined it to be easy… and it isn’t. I keep telling myself that I just have to stick it up for another few years, and that this will lead to the best life I can get. But at other times… I wonder if I am being truthful to myself. I’ve always had a tendency to fool myself into believing certain things – as long as it was what I wanted at the time being. I seldom take into consideration other possibilities, even though that’s the advice I give to everyone else.
I hadn’t considered how many sacrifices my family would have to make in order to pay for the burden of education. If I had stayed home, we wouldn’t have to sell the house. If I had stayed home, I could spend my free time with by best friend instead of sleeping. Would life really have been so terrible if I had chosen to be content with what I already had?
Last year in transferring, I had the opportunity to return home, but I was also afraid of going backwards. People always saying advancing is scary, but no one ever talks about how terrifying it is to turn around. I’m not saying I made a mistake, as life here at UTSC has thus far been quite fulfilling (if not busy), but I also wonder if while (hypothetically) fooling everyone else into believing it, I had also in the process fooled myself into thinking this is what I wanted. I don’t know, but I hope this is just a phase because this is not a great way to start off the new semester. (They say to hang out with friends but… that’s assuming you have “true” friends with you.)