Life In The Impossibility

If only I could live life (mostly) carefree. I think too much — and that is an understatement. I involuntarily attempt to map out the next ten years of life, worry about financial issues before I really even need to worry about them; I strategize backup plans for virtually impossible situations, indecisively write a pro/con list for every single little thing… not to mention I always maintain a constant suspicious alertness of those around me. Even little things like eating pork will stimulate thoughts about animal rights, which will somehow lead me to think about elephants, which will somehow lead me to think about the circus, which will somehow lead me to think about cotton candy.

It is utterly tiring to think and worry about every minute detail in my life. But I can’t turn it off. I thought that perhaps yoga would help with “emptying the mind”… but now I’m only worrying about how much it costs to take yoga and whether or not I should continue. -.-

The benefits of worrying too much is minimal. As a result of my constantly fretting over paying back debts to the government after university, I do have quite a bit more money saved up than my other friends (who are not privileged by birth). But this also means that I don’t get to satisfy the desires that my other friends work for. My income is going almost completely to future taxes.

Other than that, overt-hinking is a completely curse. I’d like to buy a pair of jeans without standing and pondering in the isles for two hours, having staff think I’m trying to steal something. I’d like to look at my bank sum at the end of the week and think “now I can afford to buy myself that shirt I saw yesterday” rather than “there’s another $200 towards future debt payoffs”. I’d like to be in a relationship where I’m not worried about repeating my parents’ lives. I’d like to be able to eat a pulled pork sandwich without thinking about the circus. I’d like to be a normal teenager. How can you STOP over-thinking!?

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